'Star Trek Into Darkness' Spoiler-Free Review: "THEY USED THE QUOTE!"

I'll confess that I haven't watched every episode of every Star Trek series, or seen every movie, but I still love Star Trek, maybe just because it is a successful sic-fi series, and those are too rare for my liking. 

I have seen JJ Abrams 2009 version of Star Trek, and enjoyed it very much. When I heard he was helming the sequel, Into Darkness, and that Benidect Cumberbatch would be playing the villain, and that Damon Lindeolf, of Lost and Prometheus fame would also be co-writing and producing the movie, my mind just about exploded. 

And now the movie has been unleashed upon the public, and all those months of hoping and praying for an amazing movie are set to either be fulfilled or crushed like a lion's father in a herd of some sort of deer-like things.

 Yes Spock, volcanos be hot. 

The Plot

This movie takes place in the same forked universe of 2009's Star Trek. The movie begins with an awesome looking scene involving an underwater starship and a lot of running through a cool jungle, being chased by natives, and being in a volcano. Captain Kirk, as he always does, bends the rules a bit in order to save the life of his friend Spock. Kirk is demoted for breaking the rules and showing a starship to a civilization that had barely invented the wheel, and he is all sad. Then a Star Fleet archive is blown up, and people die, and a big meeting of all the captains and second in commands is called. Kirk attends, and realizes too late that it was a set up. The meeting is attacked and his mentor and several others are killed. 

The big bad guy behind it all is revealed to be none other than Sherlock Holmes, or at least, the villain is played by the guy who plays Holmes in Sherlock. Either way, it's revealed who the criminal is, and Kirk is ordered by the head of Star Fleet to chase after him and kill him. This makes Spock and several other nervous because Star Fleet is supposed to be about exploring, not killing. These people are even more worried when the guy in charge gives Kirk 72 very dangerous, experimental photon torpedoes. 

From here, the movie takes all sorts of exciting twists and turns.

The Review

The plot of the whole film is simply incredible. The story is great in basically every way, which means the only real problems with the movie are what the creators decide to focus on, and how the story is executed. Sure, there are minor problems with the story, there are some (okay, maybe a lot) of clichés (Yay, we caught the bad guy! But wait, maybe he wanted to be captured!), but they actually work fairly well within the movie, and they didn't distract me from the movie like the clichés and plot holes in Prometheus did. 

Holy crap, its The Avengers and Skyfall  all over again!

There are many great characters in Abrams' Star Trek universe, and they were all examined very well in the 2009 film, and they all developed great personalities that worked really well together. In Into Darkness however, most of the characters are just sort of there. Kirk and Spock, of course, are still examined closely and awesomely, but even Spock's sort of girlfriend just kind of stands there and occasionally makes a comment on her relationship. 

The dynamic between the characters is still there, and it's awesome. The wide array of character types mix amazingly well together, and the dialogue is (for the most part) very, very well written. 

The dynamics between the characters also provide the comic relief of the movie. This movie mixes the darkness and evilness of the villain, and the terrible tragedies that all the good guys go through with just the right amount of great humor (my favorite line: "I'm running!"). This mixture is what Iron Man 3 should have aimed for, more towards the darkness and less towards the dumb comedy. Instead, Iron Man 3 came off as a comedy with a dramatic plot.

Scottie is pretty great throughout. 

Also, normally I don't comment on actors unless they suck (hey 42) but Benedict Cumberbatch was simply amazing as the villain in this movie. If you watch Sherlock, which you should, it's sort of weird to picture him as a completely evil, dark soul, but he pulls it off amazingly well, and his deep voice is just perfect. 

The ever evolving plot of this movie really surprised me. From the trailers, it seems like the whole movie is hunting for Cumberbatch, but the bad guy and the issue at hand changes dramatically throughout, always keeping you on your toes.

The action scenes are all pretty amazing, but there sometimes seems like there are too many of them. Looking back, I don't really see any that could be left out, but at times it felt like last years Total Recall which was basically one long chase scene.

If you're a big fan of the original series, or TNG or have seen the first couple of movies, the ending of the movie, and some parts in the middle will bother you a lot. I won't give it away here, but there are several copy and paste scenes that come off wrong, and THEY USE THE QUOTE. And they use it so weirdly and I'm not sure if I like it.
If you're not a big Trekkie, then the use of "the quote" and the whole scene with it will be a little weird, because it's not as emotional as it should be unless you understand the history behind the quote.

Other, small notes

• I was surprised by the amount of mystery and confusion in this movie. The trailers didn't really mention it at all, and the mystery played out really well. 
• The mystery is the same kind of mystery faced in the first half of Oblivion.
• The visuals in this movie are awesome. The beginning scene is so beautiful it reminded me of Skyfall, and the constant contrast between the white/silver starship and the primary colors of their outfits always looked great. 
• I have always loved the future that all of Star Trek takes place in, because it is so founded in science and everything seems completely plausible. I hate movies where it's like "in 5 years we will have teleportation and everything will be perfect and everything will be all glossy white and hover and we'll cure cancer and it will be great." Most future movies seem like Apple designed everything, and it's just not realistic. Star Trek has always ridden the line closely, but I think Into Darkness leans more towards the plausible looking future.
• The way people in the 60s pictured 2013 was almost always wrong. They pictured huge round skyscrapers everywhere, flying cars, lots of glass and shiny white, clean things. They were wrong. Most movies take this same sort of view on the next couple of decades, thinking everything will be perfect. It won't be. 
• The review may come off as overly negative, but I tend to focus more on the errors and less on what was done right. A lot was done right in this movie, however, and my final score reflects that.

The Bottomline

If you like big budget summer action movies, this is amazing. If you love scifi, this is great. If you like 2009's Star Trek, this is incredible. If you're a die hard, "I've seen every episode and every movie" Star Trek fan, several things about this will really annoy you. Depending on your loyalty to the originals, you may or may not be able to get over it. 

But most likely, you will enjoy this film very, very much, because it's pretty freaking great. 

My Score: 8.7/10

The IMDB score takes into account over 1,000 ratings and reviews from both critics and regular people. 

Get local showtimes and/or tickets to Star Trek Into Darkness here.

Get local showtimes and/or tickets to Star Trek Into Darkness here.

Weekend Box Office: May 17-19

TW	LW	Title	Studio	Weekend Gross	% Change	Theater Count /Change		Average	Total Gross	Budget*	Week #
1	N	Star Trek Into Darkness	Par.	$70,555,000	-	3,868	-	$18,241	$84,091,000	$190	1
2	1	Iron Man 3	BV	$35,182,000	-51.5%	4,237	-16	$8,304	$337,073,000	$200	3
3	2	The Great Gatsby (2013)	WB	$23,415,000	-53.2%	3,550	+15	$6,596	$90,159,000	$105	2
4	3	Pain and Gain	Par.	$3,100,000	-38.0%	2,429	-874	$1,276	$46,574,000	$26	4
5	7	The Croods	Fox	$2,750,000	-23.8%	2,373	-277	$1,159	$176,750,000	$135	9
6	5	42	WB	$2,730,000	-40.5%	2,380	-550	$1,147	$88,735,000	$40	6
7	6	Oblivion	Uni.	$2,222,000	-46.0%	2,077	-693	$1,070	$85,500,000	$120	5
8	8	Mud	RAtt.	$2,160,000	-14.9%	960	+108	$2,250	$11,588,000	-	4
9	4	Tyler Perry Presents Peeples	LGF	$2,150,000	-53.4%	2,041	-	$1,053	$7,858,000	$15	2
10	9	The Big Wedding	LGF	$1,100,000	-55.8%	1,443	-855	$762	$20,198,000	$35	4

This Accent Prank is Awesome

Accents are pretty much everywhere, and we've all heard (probably racist) jokes about accents. This guy, however, uses accents to pull off a pretty awesome, 4 month prank. Four months is a long time to dedicate, but the pay off is awesome.

Photo: Amazing Frog Face

Terrible Infomercials Part One

We've all seen infomercials, but often you don't realize just how stupid they are until after viewing them. They all seem to show people completely failing at normal, everyday things, usually in black and white. I'm gathering together gifs of some of the worse, least realistic clips ever. Here's the first batch:

Oh no, it poured perfectly!

He's not an idiot at all. Also, WHERE DID THE SODA GO!?

Soap donut. 

The Sun? NOT AGAIN!

There's no room for two? Fixed it. 

Come on Shawn, potatoes again!

Soap problems.

Who actually tries to carry this much?

Happens to me all the time.

Context?

Checkmate Atheists!

Who has this many cups?

Killer tape measure. 

Short Story Time: The Pope and Coffee

Here's a great story I cam across today during my wonderful time on the Internet.

During Pope Clement VII's reign as Pope from 1478 to 1534, some catholics got together and asked him to ban coffee. Why? Isn't it obvious?  Coffe is the "devil's beverage."

To test their "theory," Pope Clem drank some coffe and then remarked that it was "so delicious that it would be a sin to let only misbelievers drink it."

And that is that. 

Also, doesn't Pope Clement look like a sad Abu Fayed (from season 6 of 24) with hair?

Best Website of the Week: Here is Today

Instead of looking at the weirdest site of the week, I wanted to share an awesome website. It's called Here Is Today. 

The site shows you how small and insignificant you and all of humanity really are. It starts by showing a yellow cube which represents today. Click the cube, and you see the day in relation to this month. Click again, and you see both this month and today within the year. This keeps going and going, eventually leading up to the history of the entire universe.

The site is a visually striking way to see how incredibly inconsequential all of everything really is.
Check it out at hereistoday.com

Google's Larry Page is a Bit Insane, a Bit Awesome

 In the foreground, we have visionary, CEO Larry, but looming behind him is the darker, more sinister crazy professor Larry. 

Google recently held their yearly developer event, Google I/O. Every year, the media gathers alongside developers at Google I/O to hear all sorts of new features and new products from Google, and get lots of free stuff.

After nearly four hours of technical talk for the developers, CEO and founder Larry Page made a rare appearnce to give the whole thing a more human feel.

His voice is very soft and raspy after having some pretty serious health issues, but if anything, it just made what he said more powerful. He spoke of how technology should just get out of the way, and make it easier for you to do what makes you happy.
After his short speech he held an even rarer question and answer session with the attendees. In response to a question about reducing negativity and focusing on changing the world, Page noted that "the pace of change is increasing" and said that "we haven't adapted systems to deal with that." Specifically, he said that "not all change is good" and said that we need to build "mechanisms to allow experimentation."

So at this point, he's said some emotional, powerful things. Everything he's said has been awesome, and it's really cool to see a guy like this in charge of a huge company.
Then things got a little insane.

"There are many exciting things you could do that are illegal or not allowed by regulation," Page said. "And that's good, we don't want to change the world. But maybe we can set aside a part of the world." He likened this potential free-experimentation zone to Burning Man and said that we need "some safe places where we can try things and not have to deploy to the entire world."

At first thought this seems like a great idea, but then all sorts of weird, sort of terrifying things start to creep their way into your imagination, and you can see what kind of terrible, human experiments could happen in a lawless place such as this.

At the same time, though, it's pretty awesome to think that a guy who thinks like that is running a huge tech company. It makes me feel like we're going to get a lot of awesome future tech from Google like self driving cars, Google Glass, Google Fiber, stuff like that.
The future is going to be awesome.


The full Google I/O is up, and you can watch it below. I've set the video to start right at the part where Larry Page comes in however, which is towards the end.

Late Night Jokes: Benghazi Scandal, AP Records Scandal , IRS Scandal, and the Chicago Bulls

This is our biggest Late Night Jokes collection ever. Thanks for making them all so popular! You keep sharing and we'll keep delivering the jokes. 

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

• This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down.
• President Obama announced the appointment of a new acting commissioner of the IRS — the other guy was fired. See, they're called "acting commissioner" because you have to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House.
• A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he's no longer being compared to President Carter.
• It has not been a good week for President Obama. You've got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

• Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae bloom dropped on their fucking heads, thus removing the last arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents.
• This has, in one seismic moment, shifted the burden of proof from the tinfoil behatted to the government.

The Colbert Report

• Folks this proves that everything I've ever said about Obama is true. It's official. He's a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati

Bill Maher

• New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky…Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court.
• For those of you who have not been following Benghazi-gate, President Obama...has done the worst thing ever that anyone ever did in mankind. The Republicans now just have to figure out what. They have no idea what it is.
• They want so bad to find a smoking fun and there just isn't one. There is no smoking fun. How said is that? Someone in America not able to find a gun.
• Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They're speculating that he did this because they're thinking he's going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn't unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can't eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself.’

Conan

• Chinese authorities recently arrested over 900 people for selling counterfeit mink. China warned the U.S. that the meat's being sold under the name "Arby's."
• JC Penny has a new ad out. It thanks customers for coming back to them. And then the customers explained they're coming back to return crap from JC Penny.
• Earlier this week it was announced that Barbara Walters is stepping down. Footage just surfaced from 1962 of the young Barbara as an undercover Playboy Bunny. You can tell it was Barbara because she keeps asking men if they want their drink "on the wocks."
• According to a new survey, 42 percent of Americans have an unfavorable view of hipsters. When they heard this, hipsters said, "Big deal, we had an unfavorable view of ourselves way before you."

Late Show with David Letterman

• Today the White House released 99 pages of emails on trouble in Benghazi — and one shirtless tweet from Anthony Weiner.
• I was outside today for a little bit. I was sweating like President Obama at a press conference. 
• That last joke has been seized by the Department of Justice.
• You can now get breakfast at Taco Bell. They have a breakfast waffle taco. You get your scrambled egg, and your sausage covered with maple syrup, all wrapped in a waffle taco. And it also comes with lap-band surgery.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

• The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. It's Bernie Madoff.
• "American Idol" is in trouble in the ratings these days. They are down 40 percent since last year. This season, "American Idol" was beaten by "Duck Dynasty" in the ratings. You know, the show with two dudes sitting in a tree saying, "That a duck?" "No, looks more like a quail."
• "Duck Dynasty" is like "Honey Boo Boo" if you replaced the little girl with a duck.
• I wonder who they will get to judge "American Idol" next year? Probably people once at the top of their fields, but now with a lot of time on their hands. So maybe the old Pope. I think Pope Classic and Jay Leno would be good judges.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

• A 7-year-old boy wrote a letter to the vice president. He wrote: "I think guns should shoot chocolate bullets so no one will get killed and no one will be sad." Guns that shoot chocolate bullets would be a great way to liven up an Easter egg hunt, wouldn't it?
• The sad part is that's the first letter Joe Biden has received since he took office.
• Tonight is the much-anticipated release of the new "Star Trek" movie. It's expected to make $100 million this weekend. That's a lot, but imagine how much it would make if the people buying tickets were going with dates.
• Most "Star Trek" fans are men, or a reasonable facsimile.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

• Tonight was the finale of the lowest-rated season in "American Idol" history. You could tell the show was in trouble when they said, "The winner is what's-her-face."
• Eagles' offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building with a caption that says, "Audit this!" Or as the IRS said, "OK, see you tomorrow at noon."
• This week, Oscar Mayer introduced a new hot dog with bacon cooked right into it. Or as Chris Christie put it, "Is it possible to reverse that lap-band procedure?"

Comedian Argus Hamilton

• USA Today reported Wednesday that liberal groups got a pass from the IRS as the IRS targeted GOP conservative groups. Hollywood took note. It appears that Lindsay Lohan was going to jail for tax evasion til she shrewdly changed her name to Obama for America.
• The IRS Commissioner resigned Wednesday in the scandal over the agency targeting conservatives. They asked Tea Party groups for donor lists, Facebook postings and radio show transcripts, under the penalty of perjury. It didn't scare us in California, where the jails are full.
• USA Today reported that a construction company in Belize accidentally destroyed a one-thousand-year-old Mayan pyramid while dynamiting a hill in Central America Monday. The Mayans were cool about the accident, they said it was not like it's the end of the world.
• Russia expelled a young American man who was caught trying to recruit Russians to spy for the CIA in a Moscow park. He had two blonde wigs, sunglasses and a Boy Scout compass. When colleges banned hazing, fraternities had to devise more creative hell weeks.
• The U.S. Navy launched an unmanned drone the size of a fighter jet from the carrier George H.W. Bush. It allows the U.S. to launch drone attacks without permission of host countries with a U.S. air base. George H.W. Bush gave permission for the pilotless craft to take off from his carrier after being assured that pilotless didn't mean that his son was flying it.

Watch The Office Series Finale

If you ever watched The Office, even if you haven't in a couple of years, you need to watch the finale. I will admit it had me in tears, and I rewatched the last couple of minutes at least three times.
If you ever once considered your self an Office fan, just do your emotions a favor and watch this finale, and you will feel all happy and so sad and you'll even laugh a little.
Just do it. Watch it, it's free.

Take a look through this gallery of some of The Office's greatest moments. 

The episode may not play on some mobile devices.